One of the most difficult things about being a dominatrix almost 30 years and trying to be aware of toxic tropes and being emotionally and mentally healthy and responsible is that it is in direct conflict with the stereotypes that some hang their whole fantasies on.

One of the skills a good dominatrix has to master is how to bring that illusion of toxicity to the table for those subs that NEED it, turn it on and off at exactly the right times and in the exact right levels and administer the appropriate after care to insure that you’re riding that line between psychodramatic roleplay of toxic tropes and not crossing over it into damage and abuse.

Even more so, a dominatrix’s goal is to help that sub reach a height of intense subspace that sit right at that line… the more you succeed in hitting that high, the more that line can expand outward and move. You have to keep renegotiating and giving more space for input to determine if the sub will need to go further to keep getting that intense, cathartic high.

The responsibility isn’t just to their safety, but in some cases it’s to the thrilling illusion of danger.
It’s complicated. It can be in constant flux.

It requires a lot of self restraint if you want to not exhaust them from hitting extremely high subspace to the point they have to space play out too far, as well.

Then there’s discerning IF communication between appointments is appropriate, how much is or isn’t appropriate and if not really into keeping intouch between sessions you have to figure out how to keep that connection without compromising your discomfort with chatting too much between.

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This week I’ve been watching these men’s dating groups where men say they absolutely must have a submissive woman because they are dominant, because strong women are too masculine, because women need to not have opinions or needs and only serve… that sounds like someone who isn’t really dominant. That’s a fragile ego masquerading as dominance… that’s DOMINEERING, not DOMINANT.

There doesn’t have to be a weak person to be able to tell another person is strong in contrast.
There doesn’t have to be a submissive person to be able to tell that another person’s personality is dominant.

Dominance is also not a single archetype.
It can present in different ways depending on the other traits of someone’s personality.

Dominance can be playful.
Dominance can be dry.
Dominance can be nurturing.
Dominance can be snarky.
Dominance can be poised.
Dominance can be mischievous.
Dominance can be completely monotone.

Dominance can be toned down to better accommodate a situation and for a higher purposes.

A dominant person can partner happily with other dominants, just as easily as they can those who are more submissively inclined.
In fact, some rather enjoy it.

As a dominant, I am secure with men who aren’t submissive as much as I am those who are.

As a dominant, I actually prefer submissives who communicate their needs, so I might make my expectations and demands of them serve me without being a harm to them in anyway.

As a dominant, I am secure in relationships with switches and other dominants, and even those who just want mushy lovey partnering (I guess that’s vanilla for switch).

I rather love straight forward, communicative, secure subs who know how to voice their needs, what they think and what they feel. The more information I have, the better I can direct things to a desirable end for us BOTH.
The less input I have, the more opportunity to hit an off button thinking it’s an on button and set us back or drop it entirely.

The more they are able to communicate their needs, the more I can make sure my wants are in a healthy balance that allows for the longevity of an interaction or relationship.

The more I am aware of the balance between what I want and what they need, the more they will be capable of continuing to please me with their service.

Example: if their need is to not expose their identity and they don’t say they need a mask in video = a potential that someone might identify them and disrupt their work or home environment… which comes back around and hurts their ability to serve.

Example: if they have to catch a flight, but don’t sufficiently communicate this need and concern … my sudden call to serve causes them to miss their flight or forget something important preparing for that trip… the disruption in their life or income can come full circle and affect their ability to serve or spoil.

Example: if they have a knee problem and don’t let it be known… I put them through traditional positions… they can’t function properly through the rest of the session and for some time after they leave.

Example: if they let me use their credit cards but don’t tell me what is their REAL financial ability, allowing me to spend recklessly (as is their fantasy)… they suffer consequences in their adulting (bankruptcy, disconnected utilities, homelessness) … neither of us get to continue to enjoy spoiling. We would have had I been aware of the situation enough to pace it properly.

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