I had a lot of fun. I don’t know whether it was the asprin or my sadistic nature, but the minute someone was tied up and screaming I didn’t hurt anymore.

It was a small and private soiree’ at my humble abode. I saw a couple of faces that I hadn’t seen in a while.

I even played a little. I was up cleaning the house but Charlotte kept having a hizzy that I was using my broken bone…I was not!

I got the frustration of watching someone not be able to follow simple instructions, and the irritability of this broken bone preventing me from ripping it out of their hands and doing it myself ( I truely am my mother’s daughter, only she would have bitch slapped him first!).

I couldn’t believe that it was 4 a.m. when the last guest left.

Now I have a session, and possibly another. My bone is only limiting range of motion and heavy lifting. I am starting to realize that most play I actually can do with out extending my left arm or lifting heavy weight.

I woke really pissed off because the pain and that I couldn’t roll over on my side and sleep in the fetal position. I wake screaming with nightmares and pain most every morning. I still haven’t taken any pain medication, and have been out of lidocaine patches for a while…not that they worked.

I have been dealing with a lot of crying from someone. He has cried several nights this week, and cried this morning.

When I am totally over it, crying just makes me pissed off, and long even more to be alone. Tears of another are more likely to make me not want you than to want you. So when I say it’s over, save your tears.

There is no choice but to accept that it takes 2 people to have a relationship and I don’t want one!!!

It is almost to the point that I am asking myself who I have to be found in bed with for him to go away.

Then he starts in last night with this “I love you” crap. I told him that he doesn’t, that he is just lonely, and projecting things on me that are all in his head. He says that I am affraid of a relationship with him that isn’t disfunctional…NO! I don’t want a relationship and I don’t find co-dependancy to be a functional relationship.

Sex was cool, but not enough to counterbalance that the boy can’t figure out simple shit, like how to match up two cut out circles of 2 different sizes.. And the fact that he acts so incredibly gay, and that he is a slob, and that he can’t even figure out how to store a rope when shown 50 times. And he can’t even figure out that if there is food all over a dish that it hasn’t been washed…even when he claims he has washed it.

At first my friends thought I am too hard on him, till they had to deal with it last night, and were getting annoyed that he has no brain for something that simple!!! He couldn’t figure out the stocks!

After all this I just want to be alone even worse than when I met him…for christ sake…FOCUS!
I swear…just another case of “don’t make me punch you!”

Pain is worse than ever today.

I have a lot going on today. Charlotte is bringing a friend of her’s from Los Angeles over. I have a cd friend coming over to discuss some projects for local crossdressers. I have “sissy slut jenifer” coming over with a new piece of furniture she made. I have “empty” here to work on the loft which started going up again.

Ugh, I am in pain, and terribly irritable, and I swear ever person is a complete moron and totally incompetent. I just want to slap the hell out of every one.

Since i couldn’t go out last night and start the New year with Champagne and friends (like last year when berlin and I were having real french champagne and in a pile of women making out!) I stayed in and had a facial and a pedicure, and watched movies.

I could hear the fireworks making a roar over the Mississippi river. I am less than a mile from the river. I walked out on my porch, and my neighbor, Duncan, was out across the street wishing that the houses weren’t so close together so that we might be able to see. Earlier I came out of the house and enjoyed a few of the fireworks they had bought to enjoy with their 7 year old daughter on the front porch.

It is funny. I sometimes have the most simple of lives. Just those moments of calm when it almost feels like I am leading the average life. Then I turn around and walk back into my house where every room has been turned into fully equipped play space, and see a million creepy collectable toys. The phone rings and I am off into discussions of how far one can stretch the body and mind.

Other women my age are managing families, persuing the relationships they intend to live out the rest of their lives in, plotting careers and buying their family home for the next 20-30 years…I am plotting getting back to my version of normal after this broken bone heals. I am trying to figure out the next shows I want to do, my travel itenarary, my lectures that I intend to give this year, the articles I write each month, the wicked little fantasies I get when I wander past some of my toys or random household items, and who and how I will enact such deviances in the coming year…once I am healed.

My grandmother wishes that this bone would get me to think on having a family and mainstream career. I have found the life for me, and have been living it for over 10 years.

I look forward to seeing the next goose pimpled body drawn up and taunt in ropes, with my blood red nails dragging across their skin. I fantasize about that smell of leather when the flogger swings through the air, the feel of a subs heartbeat when I invade their anus, the look in their eyes when they are past sub space and feel that they are pleasantly exhausted. I am looking forward to the next nervous novice and neophyte that looks like they are scared shitless and breaking all their previous notions and showing them that reality can be better than fantasy. I can’t wait till I am able to fully resume my life fully functional when this bone mends.

My New year’s resolution is push onward and upward, and get this bone healed and try to have one major accomplishment a month minimum.

I am a bit stubborn and bullheaded. After exactly a week of having this broken bone I actually did a 2 hour scene with one of my long time medical fetish fans. I figured that it would be great stress relief for me to play, as well as for him. I also don’t use bondage in his sessions, so he was at no risk of having to be supported by me in an emergency removal of resptraints. And I figured, anal probing, electro-torture, enemas and catheters didn’t require strain and heavy lifting. I am glad I did it.

The pain has me even more bitchy than I am known to get.

Plus in my crabby mood I really hurt the feelings of the person I am dating…but how many ways can it be said?”I don’t want a relationship.” I need the assistance right now, and I like the attention, and I have an insatiable ego that loves to be admired regularly (common amongst Femme Dommes, we love worship, praise and service). It is just I am pretty over the whole couples and relationships…an admirer that I date, and keep socially as well is about the extent of contact that i desire.

I have been asked, don’t I want love? I have love. The love of my friends is enough. He asked why I don’t have friends around…I have pushed people away lately, including him (but he doesn’t leave). My closest friend is across the country, and otherwise the friends that aren’t far away have let it be known that if I want to hang out or something I can call. I have chosen to spend my time reading, working, and being a recluse. I could just as easily chose any given night to go out for a period with friends.

I spent a month or two this last year conducting a heavy social life nightly. I am in a different phase right now. When I feel like it I will be a social butterfly again, but the point is that I don’t feel like it.

I feel complete and whole unto myself, so I don’t need to have a co-dependant and clinging identity with a loveer or a group of people. I have an association with Xsite magazine, and my regular intereactions and relationships and friendships with the Lil Beaux Peep Show girls. Otherwise too many people means too much drama. Too much time with a person means too much drama. And my life is nice and low drama at this point. The people who have been causing me stress have been removed…now the only problems I have are this stupid broken collar bone and people that don’t understand that I don’t want to be in a relationship.

I want the heard of that hideous jehovah’s witness that got my broken ass out of bed to answer the door. A little Salome with a little Vlad Dracul…I’d like to have it on a stake with copies of the watch tower to ward off other jehovah’s witnesses. Next on the list is who ever is responsible for broadcast television programming!

Well, In the exciting world of the bedridden, I made it to blockbuster. I also have serveral people coming over with tons of movies. The more I have to entertain me the better.

I will attempt my first outing since I spent the day in the hospital. I switched to a new style of harness that doesn’t hurt as much, and slightly frees up my mobility.

I have had so many people show their support.

“empty” is working on my lofts this week. “sissy slut jenifer” is gone for Christmas with family. “bammy” is off with family. “brc” is talking about driving down.

I have had quite a few calls from out of state inquirers that don’t understand that I am not taking pain medication, I am feeling like hell and don’t care to talk at length.

My lovely mother hasn’t called, even though I left a message…I think I should just forever give-up on her. She doesn’t talk when you have her on the phone anyway. She offers no support even on the lowest emotional level. Not even a corteous “Hello, how are you.”

Christmas, Bah-humbug!

yes, you heard right. I had company over and took a spill off of my 4 foot high bed.

I am typing one handed now. I have to consult with an orthopedic surgeon on whether surgery will be necessary.

Thanks to the wonderfully friends I have in the medical field I was first looked over at home, and then the “ood doctor” took me to the hospital he works in, and the saw to it I got the fastest possible and most thurough care.

So, my trip to Memphis is a no go, and I will have to not take sessions till I get a bit healed, and keep all strenuous movement to a minimum. I expect I will be taking sesion in 3-4 weeks, and I will be back on stage in 4 weeks. When not in sessions or on stage I will have to be in my restraints to heal.

It was cute how Batty ran and put me in a corset as soon as she could…the whole idea is that corsets are basically back braces with curves, and it would keep my posture.

I thank all of those in my life for the great support I am already recieving, and I thank all of those who offer assistance, and their best wishes. I will be dying to swing that flogger and tie that rope by the end of the month.

I actually don’t mind the pain so much, it is the grating sound and feel of their pieces of bone when I move, and the limited use of my left arm. Soon, my doctor friend will apply a patch for the pain, since I requested that I not be prescribed pain pills.

Mistress Genevieve
http://msgenevieve.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mistressgenevievesslaves