Yesterday was fun, long and filled with many things I could write about..but after this last phone call I would rather say just the main part of yesterday and address a sad subject that came up in a call just now.
Yesterday’s high point was walking down my street and meeting, and making fast friends with “Reverend B Dangerous” who is an internationally known Freak Show performer who just moved a few blocks away from me. We didn’t part company till dawn and met before noon.
BUT THAT ISN’T ANYTHING OF IMPORTANCE TO THE BIG PICTURE
What I really would like to address in a simple phone call I just recieved.
A nervous novice called and felt ashamed to speak freely about his interests and slight previous experiences.
This is sad to me. That is one of the wonderful things about a pro-domme. It is great to have your lover be your play partner, but some people aren’t able to express all their darkest fantasies to a partner with out being judged, or having it subconciously effect their partner’s image of them…such as asking ones girlfriend for scat or toilet training.
A pro-domme with any experience has heard it all. She may not consent to your type of scene, but she isn’t shocked.
A good dominant has to remain detatched from moral judgement. They may roleplay verbal degradation about the fetish, but outside of the scene should be very non-judgemental and understanding.
A good dominant fills many roles. A great many people that want to be dominants have a very onesided view of dominance and a stereotype they often try to emulate. They see the harsh cruel fictional characters like “Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS” but don’t understand that there is a power exchange in 2 directions. In fantasy we dominant take from a slave and have complete control and are selfish…in reality many of the best and most healthy situations the dominant gives a lot of themselves. There is a bit of submission in maternal care and one of the many roles a dominatrix fills is the one of a mother/care giver/mentor. This means we give a lot of control back to the submissive when we take control from them.
Another role that we fill is that of a priest or confessor, who hears your sins and keeps them in confidence, and absolves you of the guilt these feelings give you. In a way we also serve as a non-licensed therapist…allowing slaves with such intense fantasies and needs to have a “safe sane and consensual” outlet in an accepting environment, rather than letting them bottle up these feelings and eventually explode in many different way. Some would only lash out against themselves in that situation, but many have been known to bottle and fester feelings and fantasies that eventual make them crack and lash out in various ways at their friends, family, lovers and co-workers.
Those that find their way to a safe place with a dominant who is understanding find that they release amazing amounts of stress from all parts of their life. The time spent with their dominant, even when just casual or shopping or dinner and not playing, usually is a time where they can escape everything that stresses them out in their daily life. They find an oasis, a secret life with in a life where they can be a different part of themself. They can share all that bothers them in their time the domme gives them outside of play, or they can choose to drop it all at the door and just share the driving fantasies that they are unable to share with anyone else.
I guess this can be said of any type of sexworker…but dominatrixes tend to get even more openess about the darkest fantasies due to the intensity of the fetish work that they handle.
If one ever finds in negotiation that a Domme starts showing a disinterest or disgust in allowing you to express acts that don’t harm others, but are your own personal interest in “safe, sane and consensual play” then they probably aren’t the Domme to take your type of scene. (They may be great at domination in many other scenes, but a Domme should only do scenes she enjoys as well and that don’t conflict with her personal ethics). Any degredation she gives should be only be in fun.
I find it always important to validate a submissives feelings in negotiations if I am not personally against a rare few acts…such as I wouldn’t entertain pedophilia. I will hear them out and try to rationalize why these things are best acted out in adult consensual roleplay rather than actuality (for the sake of the victims of pedophiles and rapist), but I won’t do a scene I personally find abussive or unhealthy. I just allow them to speak their peace and tell them I am not into it.
It isn’t that such a person is wrong for fantasizing about rape or children…it is that these acts have victims, and should remain fantasy rather than be enacted upon non-consenting partners. A fantasy should never infringe on the rights of others.
