Ugh, I slept a lot trying to keep still with this bone.

Lucia is here, she spent the night, and has a session this morning.

Back to bed.

Ugh. Pushing to be fully independant again, I waited till every one was gone yesterday, and snuck off to hang out with Mel. I then decided rather than blow my limited money having a drink, I went to the grocery store, bought salmon and asparagus and other tasy treats.

I got home and Craig came over. Then we sat around chatting, eating pot pies, and had a couple of “grey hounds”. He had to leave to go open Second Skin (local leather BDSM store) at 9 a.m.

Thanks to the couple of drinks I got to sleep easy, and woke with that funky taste in my mouth.

Lucia is on her way over, and “empty is at home finishing a final piece on the loft.

I had a really good session tomorrow…I have been getting a lot of use out of my new piece of dungeon furniture in just the 2 days that I have had it here. It has endless options for positions, and I have had both boys and girls on it.

No pain or broken bone will keep me down. I am determined. the position of the bone looks like it will heal normally, but I still have to go for follow up Xrays and to see and orthopedic.

I actually will be back at the Lil beaux Peep Show next weekend. I will be singing 2 numbers and trying to avoid physical exertion…

My grandmother is desperately hoping that this broken bone will force me to live with her. Not on your life. I can’t live with anyone, period…I hate other people living in my house. It drives me nuts. To have a live in slave I would have to have a duplex/double or a garage apartment.

I had a lot of fun. I don’t know whether it was the asprin or my sadistic nature, but the minute someone was tied up and screaming I didn’t hurt anymore.

It was a small and private soiree’ at my humble abode. I saw a couple of faces that I hadn’t seen in a while.

I even played a little. I was up cleaning the house but Charlotte kept having a hizzy that I was using my broken bone…I was not!

I got the frustration of watching someone not be able to follow simple instructions, and the irritability of this broken bone preventing me from ripping it out of their hands and doing it myself ( I truely am my mother’s daughter, only she would have bitch slapped him first!).

I couldn’t believe that it was 4 a.m. when the last guest left.

Now I have a session, and possibly another. My bone is only limiting range of motion and heavy lifting. I am starting to realize that most play I actually can do with out extending my left arm or lifting heavy weight.

I woke really pissed off because the pain and that I couldn’t roll over on my side and sleep in the fetal position. I wake screaming with nightmares and pain most every morning. I still haven’t taken any pain medication, and have been out of lidocaine patches for a while…not that they worked.

I have been dealing with a lot of crying from someone. He has cried several nights this week, and cried this morning.

When I am totally over it, crying just makes me pissed off, and long even more to be alone. Tears of another are more likely to make me not want you than to want you. So when I say it’s over, save your tears.

There is no choice but to accept that it takes 2 people to have a relationship and I don’t want one!!!

It is almost to the point that I am asking myself who I have to be found in bed with for him to go away.

Then he starts in last night with this “I love you” crap. I told him that he doesn’t, that he is just lonely, and projecting things on me that are all in his head. He says that I am affraid of a relationship with him that isn’t disfunctional…NO! I don’t want a relationship and I don’t find co-dependancy to be a functional relationship.

Sex was cool, but not enough to counterbalance that the boy can’t figure out simple shit, like how to match up two cut out circles of 2 different sizes.. And the fact that he acts so incredibly gay, and that he is a slob, and that he can’t even figure out how to store a rope when shown 50 times. And he can’t even figure out that if there is food all over a dish that it hasn’t been washed…even when he claims he has washed it.

At first my friends thought I am too hard on him, till they had to deal with it last night, and were getting annoyed that he has no brain for something that simple!!! He couldn’t figure out the stocks!

After all this I just want to be alone even worse than when I met him…for christ sake…FOCUS!
I swear…just another case of “don’t make me punch you!”

Pain is worse than ever today.

I have a lot going on today. Charlotte is bringing a friend of her’s from Los Angeles over. I have a cd friend coming over to discuss some projects for local crossdressers. I have “sissy slut jenifer” coming over with a new piece of furniture she made. I have “empty” here to work on the loft which started going up again.

Ugh, I am in pain, and terribly irritable, and I swear ever person is a complete moron and totally incompetent. I just want to slap the hell out of every one.

Since i couldn’t go out last night and start the New year with Champagne and friends (like last year when berlin and I were having real french champagne and in a pile of women making out!) I stayed in and had a facial and a pedicure, and watched movies.

I could hear the fireworks making a roar over the Mississippi river. I am less than a mile from the river. I walked out on my porch, and my neighbor, Duncan, was out across the street wishing that the houses weren’t so close together so that we might be able to see. Earlier I came out of the house and enjoyed a few of the fireworks they had bought to enjoy with their 7 year old daughter on the front porch.

It is funny. I sometimes have the most simple of lives. Just those moments of calm when it almost feels like I am leading the average life. Then I turn around and walk back into my house where every room has been turned into fully equipped play space, and see a million creepy collectable toys. The phone rings and I am off into discussions of how far one can stretch the body and mind.

Other women my age are managing families, persuing the relationships they intend to live out the rest of their lives in, plotting careers and buying their family home for the next 20-30 years…I am plotting getting back to my version of normal after this broken bone heals. I am trying to figure out the next shows I want to do, my travel itenarary, my lectures that I intend to give this year, the articles I write each month, the wicked little fantasies I get when I wander past some of my toys or random household items, and who and how I will enact such deviances in the coming year…once I am healed.

My grandmother wishes that this bone would get me to think on having a family and mainstream career. I have found the life for me, and have been living it for over 10 years.

I look forward to seeing the next goose pimpled body drawn up and taunt in ropes, with my blood red nails dragging across their skin. I fantasize about that smell of leather when the flogger swings through the air, the feel of a subs heartbeat when I invade their anus, the look in their eyes when they are past sub space and feel that they are pleasantly exhausted. I am looking forward to the next nervous novice and neophyte that looks like they are scared shitless and breaking all their previous notions and showing them that reality can be better than fantasy. I can’t wait till I am able to fully resume my life fully functional when this bone mends.

My New year’s resolution is push onward and upward, and get this bone healed and try to have one major accomplishment a month minimum.