I am a bit stubborn and bullheaded. After exactly a week of having this broken bone I actually did a 2 hour scene with one of my long time medical fetish fans. I figured that it would be great stress relief for me to play, as well as for him. I also don’t use bondage in his sessions, so he was at no risk of having to be supported by me in an emergency removal of resptraints. And I figured, anal probing, electro-torture, enemas and catheters didn’t require strain and heavy lifting. I am glad I did it.

The pain has me even more bitchy than I am known to get.

Plus in my crabby mood I really hurt the feelings of the person I am dating…but how many ways can it be said?”I don’t want a relationship.” I need the assistance right now, and I like the attention, and I have an insatiable ego that loves to be admired regularly (common amongst Femme Dommes, we love worship, praise and service). It is just I am pretty over the whole couples and relationships…an admirer that I date, and keep socially as well is about the extent of contact that i desire.

I have been asked, don’t I want love? I have love. The love of my friends is enough. He asked why I don’t have friends around…I have pushed people away lately, including him (but he doesn’t leave). My closest friend is across the country, and otherwise the friends that aren’t far away have let it be known that if I want to hang out or something I can call. I have chosen to spend my time reading, working, and being a recluse. I could just as easily chose any given night to go out for a period with friends.

I spent a month or two this last year conducting a heavy social life nightly. I am in a different phase right now. When I feel like it I will be a social butterfly again, but the point is that I don’t feel like it.

I feel complete and whole unto myself, so I don’t need to have a co-dependant and clinging identity with a loveer or a group of people. I have an association with Xsite magazine, and my regular intereactions and relationships and friendships with the Lil Beaux Peep Show girls. Otherwise too many people means too much drama. Too much time with a person means too much drama. And my life is nice and low drama at this point. The people who have been causing me stress have been removed…now the only problems I have are this stupid broken collar bone and people that don’t understand that I don’t want to be in a relationship.