I have been butting heads about this whole “boyfriend” thing. He keeps trying to get me to say boyfriend, and he has earned it, goddamn, earned it more than any guy I have dated before. I have been trying but those words sound so wierd coming out of my mouth…I didn’t want a boy friend, but now we have been seeing each other pretty exclusively for over a couple of months.

It just snuck up on me…maybe the true reason that I hadn’t wanted a boyfriend is that one of the people I had dated in the last year, I still really wished would find a way to work out, and I was just kind of leaving the window open, you know. Hell, I know it wasn’t, and now I know more than ever. And I am quite aware that it is a pride thing…my own vanity made me want to get back to seeing that person, not love or any delusion that I thought we would lead to something someday…I think all of that is pretty naive.

So, I didn’t realize for the first 2 months that I was in a relationship. There was just this guy who I had seen a couple of times, who was cute, and nice, and treats me like a queen, and one morning I woke up with him watching over me and petting my hair, and I was really stand offish..I mean that mushy stuff can be kind of creepy. He was always around, always courting and saranading me, and eventually it bridged to sex, and then he really has shown me that he really is supportive and really fits into my life. He and my ex both even really seem to adore each other…even though my ex said,”Sean is ruining our sex life.” half-jokingly. My friends have all been won over by him, but my first instinct lately is to go hide under a rock when the prospect of a relationship rears it’s ugly head…that is why I had been hiding safely with my ex-boyfriend. Because I care and love for my ex, and I have no intent of actually re-instituting the relationship completely.

The ex actually was drunk one night trying to make me admit that we were meant to be together and quit fighting it…but how can I be meant to be with a guy who can’t fully appreciate BDSM, and that my lifestyle and existance hurts his relationship to his son. His relationship to his son is far more important to me than his relationship to me. Just because 2 people love each other doesn’t mean they are supposed to be together.

The whole thing I am getting at is that I had been doing my best to avoid relationships and one sneaky bastard snuck up on me and won a spot in my life!

I still have this defiance to it all. I still am feeling kind of weird about it all, but I am giving it a chance, because what is wrong with a cute guy, with a job, and a brain, who treats you like a queen, who is into my lifestyle, understanding of my career, supportive and always seeking to be helpful and involved…and HE IS FUCKING BAD ASS IN BED! I mean he can be the weirdest dork in a charming way, but like that is a real fault in his personality…it just confuses me.